I didn’t know who I was, or what I wanted, my only wish was to be happy, but I was the reason why I wasn’t. It was never anybody else’s fault. It was all me. I’ve hurt people because I couldn’t reach my conscience, clouded by my own confusion, that’s no excuse. Rushes of jealousy and envy stopped me being happy for anyone. I’ve used people, because I didn’t have the confidence and drive to step out alone. I made friends, and then they were my enemies. I thought I loved, but all I felt was pain. I’ve escaped a lot, in people, music, travel and my smile, which hid more than if I was to cry. My smile misled people, it helped me be a liar, and a phony.
My ego prevented me from building loving relationships and embrace the good, I couldn’t be me, instead I was locked in my mind, fakeness flaunted through my body, and covered up by words that I often screamed. I have felt unworthy and unloved, rarely good enough and never smart enough. But I realized I was on a hard, but incredible journey from the very beginning.
Horse-riding taught me independence and passion, athletics taught me strength and competition, my family taught me freedom and my friends taught me compassion and forgiveness. I was doing an injustice to myself. I cried, screamed, laughed and danced. And I loved every moment because it brought me here, with you.
I transformed, enough to begin on a different path. One where I had faith in myself and trusted others. Even those that betrayed me, hurt me, used and ridiculed me. I had to forgive, I did the same to others as they were doing to me. Forgiving them was the easy part, I had to forgive myself, because without complete forgiveness, nothing is possible. I didn’t learn the hard way, I just learn, continuously.
Because of the mistakes I made I ask myself, will I be good enough to be a loving partner, a devoted friend or even a mother? But now, I stand up with pride, I stand up for myself, not justifying my actions, but defending them.
Every single person in this world is unique, we have the freedom of our own thoughts and interpretations, education is powerful, we don’t know how lucky we are to have it. And ignorance is not blissful. It contaminates, it kills. I believe we can evolve so dramatically we see life in a way that’s so natural and powerful. I have chosen to embrace the imperfections of our world and myself, and love to an extent that hate cannot penetrate. If every day we learn something new, we feel something different, we see something in ourselves and others that allow us to grow, imagine how far we can go, and how free our spirits will be. Look around you, see the beauty in everything, what do you have to lose?
People get lost in themselves or others and lead their minds to believe situations are complicated, not realizing they can find the answers in the simplest ways. We’re human, we are allowed to make mistakes, and we don’t need permission to live our lives the right way for us, I always will, because this is me.
I’m an open book, ask me anything, but don’t judge me when you get the honest answer.
I believe in letting go of fear and doubt and embracing love and trust.
I believe in never settling.
I am beautifully imperfect and cherish the way I evolve. Every single day.
I believe in me.
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